Clogged Arteries

Howdy Folks.  Er, Good-bye Folks.

Everyone knows that Texans brag a lot.  Those who don't live in Texas find it truly annoying. Those who live here understand why we do so, and quite smugly, I might add. Everything really is bigger and better here, except for a certain junior senator who shall remain nameless because he is the worst kind of self-promoting, ridiculously conservative tea party marionette unworthy of being identified in this blog, or any other respectable media outlet for that matter.

Our State Fair is a Great State Fair--naturally the biggest and grandest in the land.  Our fair lasts for nearly a month, and is celebrated in the largest collection of vintage Art Deco buildings in America.  They were built for the 1936 Texas Centennial and boast stylish murals and sumptuous sculptures ensconced in a pretty, beautifully landscaped parkland with fountains and flowers and flourishes unseen anywhere else in the world.

Happy Happy Corny Dog

In the last decade or so, the State Fair of Texas has evolved into the world's largest venue for impossibly crazy fried food inventions. Always known for Fletcher's Corny Dogs and Tornado Taters, the Fair has amped up its publicity for all new deep fried food alternatives.  Past winners include Deep Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwiches (served with a little ramekin of Tomato Soup for dipping) and a Battered and Deep Fried Snickers Bar, and they have stood the test of time and are now staples of provisions one can look forward to consuming each year.  Previous headliners that never returned due to unpopular demand include Deep Fried Butter and Deep Fried Beer.  (Were they even trying or was it all about a gimmick for shameless media ink?)  I kinda thought the trend might have run its course when the emblematic Big Tex was himself deep fried and self-immolated. But the new and improved Big Tex returned this year along with several new deep fried innovations. We tried them all last Sunday and ever since I've been hooked up to an IV in the emergency room with a 10% chance of survival.

Deep (Fried) in the Heart of Texas

Best of the bunch was the Deep Fried King Ranch Casserole, sort of a Tex-Mex lasagna with chicken and tortillas instead of ground beef and pasta.  It came with tortilla chips, salsified sour cream and a tiny Texas flag on a toothpick.  Totally Texas Tasty!

Thankfully, I Did Not Finish It

Fried Thanksgiving Dinner was not a favorite.  I tend to eat one food at a time during our national feasting day, so having turkey, stuffing, and creamed corn rolled up in a ball of seasoned corn meal, then deep fried and served with brown gravy and cranberry sauce was rather daunting.  I know the pigeons really enjoyed the chunks I accidentally threw on the ground.

The Deep Fried Cuban Roll had me doing spot-on Ricky Ricardo impressions until several unnecessarily PC passersby asked me to stop.  Maybe they would have been more impressed if I had some of those poofy sleeves and a set of imported bongos.  Slow-cooked pork shoulder, chopped ham, Swiss cheese, pickles and some kind of spicy spread was rolled into pastry dough and deep fried, then doused with mojo sauce. Ay-yi-yi-yi!

I think what finally did me in was the Texas Fried Fireball. Pimento cheese, pickles, cayenne pepper and bacon dipped in buttermilk and rolled in jalapeno batter, then deep fried and served with chipotle ranch dressing is not a recipe for gastric wellness. It wasn't long after that little experiment that I was seen trotting out to my car, Emergency Room bound, where I lay to this day. I am hoping they get my cholesterol down under 1,000 before the fair is over. I'm fixated on trying the Southern Style Chicken Fried Meatloaf. I mean how bad for you could that really be?