That's N'Awlins, Y'all

We spent four days in New Orleans over Labor Day weekend and are contemplating heading to the Dress Barn for a new wardrobe.  Do they carry men's clothes in plus sizes?  I think New Orleans is a lot like Paris--it is virtually impossible to have a bad meal there, unless you make really poor choices, like dining anywhere on Bourbon Street near Larry Flint's Barely Legal Club.

BP Oysters on the Half Shell

We love Desire Oyster Bar, which does a fine job of pretending not to be a restaurant at the Royal Sonesta Hotel.  I have to admit I've become quite the oyster snob in the past few years, and really prefer the briny bivalves from the cold ocean waters of New England, but I still enjoy Gulf oysters in New Orleans, though I sniff them like a picky Jack Russell Terrier for any lingering scent of the British Petroleum oil spill a few years back.  Happily, our oysters at Desire were gasoline-free, and we washed our lunch down with spicy bloody marys despite the fact that I am not a good day drinker unless a nap is forthcoming, which on this day it was.

Just Horsing Around the Clover Grill

I am a little embarrassed to report we ate at the infamous Clover Grill twice.  In a city teeming with excellent restaurants, why this 24 hour hole in the wall's siren call is irresistible to me is beyond consideration.  After indulging in some spirited high jinks for several hours, however, we found ourselves chowing down on a breakfasty chicken fried steak and eggs, hold the coffee. People watching in this place is one of the best shows in town, especially at 1 or 2 am.  Modesty prevents me from going into detail.

We ate another place at Dumaine and Dauphine, an intersection I've walked through at least 1,000 times.  I noticed a restaurant on the corner with a big lighted sign called EAT and said oh that must be new, let's try that!  The friendly host ushered us in and we got a choice window table.  I asked our lumber-sexual server when the place had opened and he said nine years ago. My observational skills are prodigious.

Order Up

We had breakfast in a popular diner one morning.  Camellia Grill is unique in that there are two wraparound counters and the servers stand in the middle of them, calling out orders to the short order cooks.  We had awesome line karma that day--usually you have to wait along the wall inside until the owner, busy working the room, motions you over to an available table when it's your turn.  This time, we walked in and were seated immediately and we were like wow!  No kidding, one minute later about thirty people came in and lined up.

We Ate It All

Our last night we returned to one of my favorite places in New Orleans, Domenica.  The chef there one the James Beard award last year and he so deserved it.  The pastas are fantastic, and the salads are great, but the showstopper is their charcuterie platter.  Generous portions of cured meats, artisinal cheeses, and eight different condiments like pickled watermelon rind and candied pecans.  What sets it truly apart is the accompanying basket of savory, warm beignets. I cased the joint to  make sure no one was looking, then quickly made a little soppressata and cheese sandwich out of one. Pure D Southern Decadence.

I'm Done with Dining on McKinney

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  I must be slightly mad then, because I keep falling for hipster dbag hotspots on McKinney Avenue promoting themselves on Open Table as gastropubs and making reservation there, only to discover we are twice as old as anyone else in the restaurant, there are disco balls everywhere and loud electronica background music, and the place smells like somebody had one too many Fireballs the night before and the restrooms haven't been swabbed out yet.

A year or so ago I had the misfortune of trying to digest an unrecognizable piece of fatty meat at Delfrisco's Grill on McKinney.  Even looking at the picture now makes my innards churn.  Yet all the pretty young things and handsome dogs of Dallas were clamoring for a table, while those from less fortunate zip codes or gene pools were milling around outside, their faces pitifully scrunched up against the glass in an effort to see what all the cool kids were up to.  As a Good Samaritan, I hurled my mystery meat at them merely as a warning sign, and was really surprised when I was unceremoniously asked to leave the premises pronto.  See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.

A couple of months ago, I fell for the ruse again, and made a reservation for Clutch on McKinney, even though I was trepidatious about dining in a place named after a purse.  It was dinner time and there were about 12 people in the vast room, about 1/4 the number of the giant tv monitors showing all manner of sporting events except figure skating and rhythmic gymnastics. I asked our waitron unit where everyone was and she sort of rolled her eyes and said nobody showed up until 11:00 PM. at the earliest.  Where were we, Barcelona?  Mediocre is the kindest word I can think of to describe the food and the bartender heard "olive" when I said "lemon twist."  Twice.  Bye, Felicia.

So last Friday was a Whoops! I Did It Again, (That, my friends, is my first and hopefully last time to quote Britney Spears.)  I saw a newish entry on Open Table called Next Door and it was described as food-centric and made from scratch.  I should have looked at the website which has a completely different message "A Bar that Likes to Party."  We walked into the once again empty dining room and were seated at a corner table facing two young women sucking down wine and both talking at once in loud Valley Girl-ese.  The only other table was a group of about 15 or 20 people who were celebrating someone's birthday with copious cocktails and several rounds of shots.  Did I mention they were even louder than the magpies nearby?

I did like the huge wall of knockers that adorned the wall by the stairwell that presumably partiers ascend to sway against each other in time with whatever is blaring from their vintage speaker wall.  But the most eye-popping part of the place was the uniforms of the skanktresses female servers that almost covered their backsides, with black suspenders, and skin tight white knit shirts revealing they had all apparently had gone to the same balloon-smuggling plastic surgeon.

We had Cobb Salad Bites (fell apart when cut for sharing) and Pecan Crusted Chicken Tenders (fell apart when cut for sharing) and Steak Sliders (so tough they were hard to cut apart for sharing.)

And it was like deja vu all over again when I got an olive instead of a twist.

Meatapalooza at Texas de Brazil

This past weekend, four of us went to Texas de Brazil because we had a coupon.  It may have been the first coupon I've used since I turned in my seven-hole-punched frequency card at Midtown Carwash for a free fluff and fold.  I feel weird using coupons because I imagine inward eye rolls plaguing the server, who also entertains dark thoughts about less than generous tips and tightwads who take up space in a busy restaurant on a Saturday night at discounted prices, for crying out loud. Sometimes I have a coupon in my wallet but I end up not using it because apparently, I have some very specific self-esteem issues involving not wanting to be judged by people who just fed and beveraged me.

Our server, who we think might possibly have been an actual Brazilian because of her exotic looks and heavy accent, and who coincidentally also said she was from Rio, sold us Caipirinhas all around, explaining they were like Brazilian mojitos made with sugar cane alcohol and limes.  They arrived, sans umbrellas, and tasted like limeade with a shot of lighter fluid.

Just a Little to Start

We made our way to the extravagant salad bar, and I cautioned everyone from filling up on starters and not leaving room for meat as I loaded my plate with smoked salmon, sushi, asparagus, egg salad, prosciutto, couscous, cheeses and a giant bowl of lobster bisque. We had just reseated ourselves when young men in gaucho pants and knee high boots started running toward us with spears.  Initially frightened, I quickly realized the sabers had meat skewered on the ends of them so there was no immediate cause for alarm.

They seemed desperate to carve off some meat right then and there but our plates were so full we gestured helplessly, wondering how to say "no room on the plate" in Portuguese. Evidently, my finely honed pantomime skills were spot on because at once they understood, reached down, and flipped a little round card on the table from its green side to its red side. The aggressive meat purveyors screeched to a stop.

Once the salad course was done and clean plates arrived, the gauchos reappeared with dizzying speed and offered a relentless array of grilled meats.  We had filet, shank steak, pork shoulder, lamb, filet wrapped in bacon, pork wrapped in bacon, bacon wrapped in bacon and emu.  Then we had parmesan crusted pork chops, parmesan crusted filets, sausages, and a cut of meat called a picanha, which was described as a special Brazilian cut we might call a Top Sirloin Cap in the USA. It was fun using the tiny tongs they provided to nip off pieces of freshly sliced meat.  Both temperatures of the meat were great (hot) as well as (medium rare.)  Our only suggestion to the kitchen would be to cut way back on the salt. (My doctor made me write that.)

Meatapalooza

Finally, I flipped my card from green to red, indicating that I had eaten my bodyweight in protein and I was dangerously close to putting someone's eye out with a projectile formerly known as the top button of my jeans.  Succumbing to a food coma, I laid myself down under the table, thankful for floor length tablecloths, but only for ten minutes or so.

The bill came and seemed a little staggering.  The salad bar and meat parade was one set price but everything else was extra. Caipirinhas, the national drink of Brazil?  $14 each. Sparkling water? $5.75. After dinner mints? $20 each. Air Conditioning?  $12 per person per hour.

I whipped that coupon out so fast it would have made your head spin.

I like the name Rapscallion for a restaurant.  I had a vague awareness of the term, something a rad pirate might say, perhaps, with overtones of fondness for an unrepentant, attractively dashing rogue.  It has been open for awhile but we hadn't made it yet--newish trending bistros are hard to snag in Dallas on a Saturday night at 8 or 9, but since we had theater tickets I booked a late lunch for 6:00.

I thought about donning a blouse-y Seinfeld shirt, a peg leg, and an eye patch, but sanity prevailed and instead threw on some shorts, flip flops, and a white short sleeved shirt that seemed like something a handsome sailor might wear if you squinted your eyes.

Even though the host was charming and full of smiles I felt the need to explain to him why we were having dinner so early so he wouldn't privately think of us as arthritic seniors.  I said we were going to a play, and he asked which one and I said "It's Only a Play" and he looked confused and said yes, but what is it called, and I said it was called "It's Only a Play" and we both guffawed along with the canned sitcom laugh track.  He showed us to our tiny table since the gorgeous hostess was busy flirting with every adoring set of eyes in the room.  To our surprise, despite the early hour, the restaurant was pretty full and by 6:30 totally jammed with SMU students, neighborhood hipsters, and a straight foursome who threw off a vibe that there might be some Brokeback Mountain action going on between the husbands.

At first glance the menu was slightly bewildering.  Every last ingredient was listed for each item, which made them sound like each plate was painstakingly arranged with tweezers.  I hate that. But the plates going by us looked casually if artfully composed so we asked our very competent server (whose name was something like Manny or Manfred or even possibly Pete) a bunch of questions and he confidently explained the dishes and they sounded less fussy so we cast aside our fears and ordered away.

Plate Licking Good

Bacon & Oysters was a standout.  A crispy fried oyster topped a small rectangle of house-braised bacon, with a few strands of pickled fennel on top and alongside, a schmear of cauliflower chowder puree.  It was original, inventive, and plate-licking worthy.  We also had a half dozen East Coast raw oysters, which were sufficiently briny and produced a most satisfying slurp.

We shared the next course too, which was an Heirloom Tomato and Grilled Texas Peach Salad with lemon yogurt dressing and a sprinkling of pistachios.  Yowza, that tasted like Summer on so many steroids it will no doubt be banned from the Summer Olympics in Rio for doping.

Now That's  Burger

For my entree I ordered the BBQ GlazedTri-Tip Steak with Marble Potato Salad, Crispy Pickled Okra and Horseradish Chimichurri.  Tri-Tip isn't that popular outside of California, but it is my favorite cut from a cow carcass. Terrific!  D had the Grass Fed Burger with Three Cheese Pimento and House Pepper Bacon, which was bigger than his head, and it came with sweet potato chips.

Despite the absence of pirates we weren't disappointed, and left feeling like two very full and impish rapscallions.  Definitely will be back.

**Update on Street's Fine Chicken.  Second time back and all the wasp wasted 28 year old guys had been replaced by people in stretch pants and oversized shirts.  The guy next to me had Brie Macaroni and Cheese, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, and a Biscuit, which he kept "buttering" with his macaroni and cheese. No meat, no protein.  I bet he really likes his shirts starched, too.

So, it has finally been settled, once and for all.  Why, you ask, did that chicken cross the road?  Because he'd always yearned to be on the delicious side of the Street.  (Sorry.)

About 50 years or so ago, Gene Street opened the first Black Eyed Pea restaurant on Cedar Springs Road in Dallas.  It was a smaller chain, primarily in the south, and one that I studiously avoided.  Everything was fried and the vegetables were flaccid and all the tables seemed kind of sticky. They were known for Chicken Fried Steaks that were larger than the plates they were served on, and drowned in cream gravy. (I think this is also known as a Heart Attack with Sauce.) Apparently, Mr. Street sold the chain many years ago and made a deep-fried fortune on it, but remained the owner of the real estate and collected rent from the new proprietors. A couple of generations passed by, and folks were now obsessed with kale and quinoa and those awful Kardashians, and the chain went kerplooey and no one cared.

Then, like the proverbial phoenix rising from its ashes, a new Street concept sprang up in the former B.E.P. location on Cedar Springs Road, which in five decades has evolved into the epicenter of Dallas' gayborhood.  Street's Fine Chicken is another entry into the current mania for fried chicken in the USA, and please indulge me when I say it might just be the Cock of the Block.

Great Balls of Fire

We started with Pimento Cheese Fritters, which were crispy hot on the outside and melty spicy hot on the inside.  They reposed on top of Tabasco Agave Jam, which I would have thought was just plain Chili Oil if I hadn't read the menu carefully.  They were pretty good but I doubt if I'll ever order them again, as they were sort of a transient thrill with no long-lasting craveability, like the song Call Me Maybe.

Love Me Tenders

The Fried Chicken, on the other hand, was indeed fine. The batter was seasoned with herbes de provence, and the chicken had been nicely brined. Crispy hot on the outside, moist and delicious within. I had the 2 piece breast and leg, which was plenty, along with some airy whipped potatoes and a little dab of peppery cream sauce.  I finished both pieces in about fifteen seconds and finally had a chance to look around.

The restaurant was packed with 28 year old guys in tank tops, board shorts, flip flops and five-days-a-week-at-the-gym bodies. They were all named Evan.  I was astonished that all these apparent health nuts whose bodies were temples of worship were chowing down on fried food (but using knives and forks.)  Then I remembered being 28 and immortal and absent-mindedly crammed a huge spoonful of Brie and Smoked Gouda Macaroni and Cheese in my mouth, silently lamenting my long gone 28" waistline Levi's.

Don't Try This At Home

Ugly Is As Ugly Does

I like to cook.  I like trying new recipes and changing up old ones.  Using my imagination, I experiment and let my sense of smell and taste and touch go a little crazy. Usually, my stuff comes out pretty good to even really great (although woefully lacking any exuberant praise or feedback save
plates so clean we just stick 'em back in the cabinet unwashed.) Woefully, a few of my experiments are total failures, and are shamefully swept into the Closet of Feeble Attempts and politely never mentioned again.

Case Study:  Herb Crusted, Roasted Filet Mignon with Israeli Cous Cous and Balsamic Glaze.
Sounds like it came right off a modern restaurant menu, right?  I'd probably order it, but I'd certainly never make it again.  I must have been distracted by the voices bickering in my head while I was preparing it because it was the definition of awful. The meat tasted a little off, like I'd seasoned it with old foot powder instead of a light sprinkle of Herbes de Provence.  The Cous Cous was sticky and chewy and the Balsamic Glaze tasted like artificially sweetened, coffee-flavored cough syrup. I tried foisting it off on the dogs, but after sniffing at it suspiciously, they both backed away from their bowls, muttering canine curse words and giving me the stink eye.

Cottage Cheese slathered on rye bread, dipped in egg, and griddled is not a good idea, trust me on this.  Don't try to make homemade tamales if your ethnicity is solidly German and English. They will taste like pot roast wrapped in raw tortillas.  If you didn't learn to make corned beef and cabbage at your mother's knee when you were just a wee little tyke, don't create it for the first time in your life for an impromptu St. Patrick's Day party. It will stink up the house and your guests will find reasons to leave immediately. And honestly, there is nothing I can say to excuse the mess I called Tater Tot Nachos.  They were kind of like those awful Canadian poutines but worse and they haunt me to this day.

But fear not, I always shake it off and try try again.  Tonight we are having Grilled Pork Chops with Nectarine Salsa.  I put the salsa together last night so it could gentrify in the refrigerator all day and the combo of the diced fruit with onions, tomatoes, kosher salt, cumin and fresh squeezed lime juice tasted fantastic.  And I am positive it will be better than what I was considering:

Meatloaf Baby in Bacon Diaper

RIP 27

So we had the most surreal dining experience Friday night.  I'd heard about a small, chef driven place in Deep Ellum called Twenty Seven (I think as an homage to all the musicians who died at the age of 27 like Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Curt Cobain, and Amy Winehouse, among others) but we'd never been there.  We pulled into the full parking lot next door and shouted "Eureka!" in manly, lumberjack voices because we saw a car whose back up lights had just come on.  Maneuvering courteously to allow the driver plenty of space to get out, we chest bumped each other (hard to do in a seatbelt-strapped front seat of a BMW sedan) in congratulation for our cosmic parking karma while we waited.  And waited. And waited. What in tarnation was taking so long?  Just as I was about to get out of the car to unleash a civilized diatribe at the inconsiderate fool behind the wheel, they suddenly backed out, pulled forward, and waited.   Huh? Had they sensed my scorn through the rear tinted window and decided I needed a knuckle sandwich?  Were they going to taser us, truss us up and steal our kidneys?  As we skittishly walked by, the window rolled down and a smiling woman held out her parking receipt (expiring 6 AM Saturday) and said "put it on your dashboard--they'll never know" and then winked at us conspiratorially.  Our hostility evaporated in this random act of theft and kindness and we both bowed to her like Sumo wrestlers before a match, mumbling phrases of gratitude.

Chef David Anthony Temple (aka Chef DAT) was the friendly, fedora-sporting chap at the host stand and welcomed us warmly into the smallish restaurant, which was filling up pretty fast.  Chef DAT brought us some menus and tap water and said someone would be with us soon.  Twenty minutes later our server (who immediately made me think of Harriet Tubman, minus the turban) breezed by and said she'd be right with us.  She had a little spiral pad in her hands and a tiny stub of a pencil, like the kind that comes with a Yahtzee game.  She spun around a few times eyeing the now jam-packed dining room, and then came back and said she was ready now, but it was going to be a little rough because she was the only server on the floor.  I asked why just one server when they were so busy and she said because it was their last weekend and they were closing for good on Monday.

Uh-oh.  I know about restaurants that are about to close.  All the rats servers desert the ship for new jobs, the kitchen burns off as much inventory as possible, and there is a certain,  I don't know, sinking of the Titanic desperation in the air.  Only Server took drink orders from everyone in the restaurant and Chef DAT and the cooks delivered them and for quite some time everyone there was drinking and laughing and not noticing there was not one single plate of food on any table in the room.

We'd been there about 1/2 an hour when our Poblano Lobster Soup arrived.  Except it was Poblano Corn Chowder.  Starving, we ate it anyway, and I did finally discover a tiny morsel of lobster at the bottom (but it might have been a little piece of chicken, or perhaps a half kernel of white hominy.) Fried Green Tomatoes came out eventually, and a few other small plates for sharing but I can't remember them since we inhaled them so fast.  Only Server rushed by and said our Gnocchi would be out soon, so I jumped up and went to the men's room, except there wasn't one.  There were two unisex bathrooms and one was called Telephone Booth and the other was named Rabbit Hole.  (Since nature was calling I went with the telephone booth.)

I returned to the table and discovered what might have once been Gnocchi, but looked more like parmesan crusted entrails.  I poked at them with my fork and I am pretty sure I heard something hiss. Yikes!  By this time Chef DAT was openly and copiously drinking wine at one of the tables, and the raucous laughter from a party of seven in the middle of the room was slightly eclipsed by Only Server singing "Sometimes I Feel Like A Motherless Child" at the top of her lungs as she threw plates of food at people.

Chef DAT seemed like truly nice guy and from the reviews I'd read I am sure it had at one time been a great place to dine.  But it seems not so ironic that Twenty Seven met an early demise since it was inspired by people who died way before their time.

A Little Something Extra

Ay yi yi yi

This past weekend we went with some friends to Fair Park to attend something called "Flea Style"--part flea market, part art fair, part individual designers of jewelry and tie-dyed infinity scarves. It was kind of ragtag and funky, with lots of people expressing their individuality through intricate skin art and tousled man buns.

One older guy in a curly ponytail dabbled in interesting Steam Punk sculptures--assemblies of coils and hardware and typewriter keys that had old fashioned light bulbs that were electrified and on dimmers.  My favorite piece was an antique meat grinder with a rubber baby doll's hand sticking out of it.  There was a handwritten sign on it that said "120  0 days since last workplace accident."

There was an odd collection of food trucks outside.  I am not sure I have seen Sliders, Belgian Waffles and Sushi being sold alongside Popcorn and Dippin' Dots before.  The lines were long and we were feeling peckish after buying a little palm tree and some hand-made soap, so we headed out to the car and drove a short hop to Deep Ellum for authentic Mexican food at Pepe's and Mito's.

It was crowded for a late Saturday afternoon, but we snagged a choice table on the patio to enjoy the freshening breeze and acrid smell of hot grease.  We ordered some adult beverages (after the first salty sip my margarita tasted like another) and scanned the menu. (I've always contended that Mexican cuisine consists of just 9 ingredients: chicken, beef, pork, cheese, salsa, pico, guacamole, rice and beans.  If they are flat they are tostadas, quesadillas or chalupas, if they are folded they are tacos, if they are baked and sauced they are enchiladas, and if served on a sizzling skillet they are fajitas.)  A couple of us opted for fajitas, one for a quesadilla, one for tacos.  Same food, different shapes.

Sooooo, a few bites in and my very good friend Matt plucks what seems to be a chest hair from a British chap in his early sixties from his little bowl of salsa. We weren't totally repulsed as it was rather small and gray and straight and had a charming accent, but still.  We motioned over our server who was about 25% fluent in English, which was no problemo because another good friend Joe is 100% bilingual.  They had one of those rapid fire conversations in Spanish, during which el server smiled broadly and shook his head good naturedly, the universal sign for "no, that is not a hair from a British man's chest, that is a tiny little piece of dried cilantro, or possibly a fiber off the end of a hastily peeled onion."

We asked Joe to translate his response which was just about word for word what I wrote above.  So I smiled at the man, and said "so you are sure that is not a hair?" and he confidently smiled and replied "oh no, Senor".  So I pointed to it and said "then you eat it" to which he smilingly replied "oh no, Senor" and departed rather quickly.  We left the hair/cilantro/onion detritus in situ on the table and ate the rest of our lunch, avoiding the one salsa bowl that had possibly been follically contaminated.

And it was delicious, if just a hair too spicy.

Not Really Such A Bright Idea

I think Matt McAllister just might be the most talented and inventive chef in Dallas.  Dinners at his signature FT33 have perpetually been among my most memorable and delicious dining adventures.  So I was psyched when I heard he was opening a second restaurant in Big D with lower price points and less fussy use of tweezers to make his plates so fetchingly beautiful.  I am a planner, so I booked his newest hotspot, Filament in Deep Ellum, on Valentine's weekend, 8:30 Saturday night weeks in advance. Coincidentally, the Friday edition of the Guide in the Dallas Morning News contained a 4 star review of Filament  by the always controversial dining critic Leslie Brenner. "Yes!" I exclaimed to myself, as if I had just scored the winning touchdown in the Super Bowl.  (Of course I hadn't--that would have been Tony Romo.  Not.)  So I was giddy with anticipation as we navigated the complex pay-in-advance self-parking ritual at the surface lot beside the restaurant--thank you, Homeless Man, for your expert guidance on which buttons to punch and your cheerful reminder to display our receipt on the dashboard.  (I hope that money I gave you went towards groceries.)

We rounded the corner and saw that a renaissance of Deep Ellum is indeed underway.  Groups of club kids were emerging from the shadows with lots of make-up and spiky hair and heading into a place across the street called Brain Dead, while couples on dates strolled arm in arm, window shopping rotary dial phones, tattoo designs, and ornate samurai swords. We entered the restaurant and noticed how REALLY LOUD the music was, as well as the buzzy and exciting industrial chic ambience.  In a word, the place was rocking. A squadron of hostesses looked up warily as we came in but seemed to relax when we said we had a reservation--lots of walk-ins were waiting for tables-- and assured us our table would be ready in just a moment.  "Just a moment" was more like 20 minutes, but it passed quickly due to the excellent people watching.  (Have you noticed what passes for fashionable footwear on women these days looks like some sort of cruel and unusual toe torture?  I blame Lady Gaga.)

Good Vibrations

The decor is really cool--there was some sort of old machinery like a corn husker or a grist mill in a focal point of the waiting area that had flowers drooping out of it, and the bar had a righteous metal ladder that slid back and forth so folks could snag the literally top shelf liquors.  We were seated in a good spot and were immediately watered without having to answer any annoying questions about sparkling, still, imported or tap, thank you very much. Our very busy waiter managed to take our dinner orders promptly and we anticipated pure-D deliciousness to come sailing out of the kitchen forthwith.

No Comprende

The Johnny Cake Okonomiyaki was not very attractive to look at and tasted weird.  Not sure what the inspiration was behind a semi-sweet pancake with smoked ham, red cabbage, dried fish flakes and mayo. Do those ingredients sound rather random to you or am I just clueless? We shared about two thirds of it, and honestly, just didn't get it or like it very much.  Our other app came out--Ember Roasted Onion Dip with crispy onions and sea salt potato chips, which sounded good but was sort of stringy and tasteless. I yearned for a packet of Lipton onion soup mix and a half pint of sour cream.  The next thing out was Appalachian Fried Chicken Thigh with a Cheddar Chive Biscuit, Pepper Jelly and B&B Pickles.  Ding ding ding we had a winner!  Thankfully, it was generously portioned and enough for the both of us to enjoy.

Sadly, the last dish to come out was nothing short of vile.  Smelly, overcooked pork stuffed inside a sticky, white wrapping made the MS Delta Tamale one of the worst things I've ever stuck in my mouth.  It was supposed to be served with ham hock pinto beans, but I think they hocked the ham and the beans were bone dry since there was no broth.  Our server noticed that we had shoved it as far from us as the table would allow and inquired if everything was all right.  I know I sounded like that orange presidential candidate with problematic hair when I pronounced it "terrible" but I couldn't help it.  He actually didn't seem very surprised and whisked it away quickly (it also was not on our final bill.)

Maybe my admiration for Chef McAllister's talent in the kitchen made my expectations too high. Maybe the four star review from a real restaurant critic made me think it would be so much more. Maybe the cool decor, fun ambience, and hip crowd overshadowed the food itself.  I don't know--but the filament is the part of a light bulb that makes it work, and to me this concept was not a very bright idea.

Maternity Pants for the Holidays

First World Problems

I love the holidays, even though I spend too much money and I outgrow all my clothes in less than two weeks.  It's not a big problem, because when we fetch the Christmas decorations from storage I have one plastic tote full of pants with elastic, stretchy waistbands, and oversized shirts that cleverly hide my uncanny resemblance to the Abdominal Snowman.

Taking off the week of Christmas afforded us the opportunity to dine in a couple of new restaurants, spend quality time with friends, family and loved ones, and eat ourselves into a food-induced fugue state on more than one merry occasion.

It all started when I snagged a coveted 8 PM table on Tuesday at what might be Dallas's hardest restaurant to crack unless you want a late lunch at 5 of are still hungry for dinner at 10:30, neither of which fit into my particular circadian rhythms. Gemma is a bright star in the culinary firmament around these parts, gathering all kinds of slavish praise from food critics and topping every Best Of list in magazines and blogger polls.  It's an unassuming little place at the end of a strip center, which is not normally where the fashionistas of Dallas are prone to congregate, so I figured the food had to be outstanding. We were greeted warmly, seated promptly, and watered and cocktailed in under ten minutes. Our server was knowledgeable and efficient, and recommended the charcuterie with cheeses (yes) and several other "off-menu" items (no). After polishing off the house-cured meats and imported dairy, we enjoyed some terrific Mussels in Coconut Lemongrass Broth, Thai Basil, Cilantro and Chile, followed by Braised Rabbit Pappardelle, which proved anything but hare-raising. (Sorry.)  Yes, despite the hype, Gemma is a jewel.

Speaking of jewels, Christmas Eve found us at the Joule, one of the fanciest hotels in Dallas, at their new Modern Italian destination called Americano for dinner.  Perversely, we went retro instead of forward-looking and had charcuterie (again), some Jewish Style Artichokes (I was disappointed they weren't sporting tiny yarmulkes) and Spaghetti and Meatballs. Our server was nice if a little bit dizzy and her weave was crooked which was slightly distracting.

Earlier in the day, we had met some out-of-town chosen family, A & E, along with our bestie J, at Dish Preston Hollow for lunch.  It doesn't have the sexy vibe of Dish Cedar Springs, but does exude a manly, professorial attractiveness like a smart cardigan sweater with leather patches on the elbows. We had so much fun yukking it up with our table mates that the food was somewhat of an afterthought.  I dimly recall two Bloody Marys (day drinking is not my strong suit unless I am modeling a sleek swim suit, peering through cheap sunglasses, and have my toes in the sand in Puerto Vallarta) plus a serviceable version of Day Boat Caught Fish and Chips.

Christmas Day found us at bestie J's house, where a small army had gathered to chow down on Roast Turkey, Beef Wellington, Mashed Potatoes and a super healthy vegetable app I had brought:  Spinach Artichoke Dip surrounded by a ring of Parker House Rolls.  (The artichokes and spinach no doubt canceled out the fat-inducing ingredients including four kinds of cheese, sour cream, cream cheese, and white bread.)

By this time I was struggling to zip even my fat pants, which was unfortunate since I had a last minute business trip pop up unexpectedly the week before New Year's, and I don't own any items from the Suit Barn.  I wrangled myself into some clothes, used safety pins to bridge the gaps, and just decided to wear my overcoat indoors and out, claiming a "thin southern blood" condition that folks living north of the Mason-Dixon line are inclined to believe and pity us for. Nothing spectacular in Minneapolis, a good if not great Pork Chop at Firelake in the Radisson Blu, and Spare Ribs and Sushi at Seven.  I did have a terrific lunch at FIKA at the American Swedish Institute,  where I indulged in Split Pea Soup with Ham Hocks and House-Cured Gravlax on a thick slab of Caraway-Rye bread (perfect for a day that never saw the north side of 10 degrees, brrr.)

Hurrying home from Minneapolis in time for New Year's Eve, our pals R and J prepared a feast worthy of that extra dose of Crestor.  The world's best Crab Cakes with Smoked Paprika Aioli and a cute little Bistro Salad, a slow-roasted Herbed Pork Butt  (the seven year old boys inside us sniggered every time we said it), Macaroni and Cheese with Gruyere, Parmesan and Cheddar (no truffle oil, thank you very much) and Tiramisu in a festive trifle dish.

I spent New Year's Day lying on the couch in a track suit I borrowed from my most obese neighbor, eating leftovers and candy.

Today is the 2nd of January, and tonight we are going to a new restaurant called Bite,  I am thrilled to report I'll be wearing a new fur-lined muu-muu, courtesy of my beloved D.

Ruths's Chris's Rants's

How Many Esses Can You Find?

So we went to the new, two-week old Ruth's Chris Steak House last week for Happy Hour in Uptown Dallas.  I have never really been a huge fan of the Ruth's Chris concept.  They do something weird to their steaks after they grill them, like soak them in melted butter and then toss 'em into some kind of molten inferno that heats up to 1600 degrees.  The servers come out wearing oven mitts and haz-mat suits and when they set your plate down, hot, sizzling butter spurts onto the front of the new shirt you just bought last weekend at Nordstrom Rack. Apparently, I am the only person in the world who finds collateral clothes-ruining unpleasant, because there is at least one Ruth's Chris for every four Starbucks in America.  I like Starbucks better though: they don't butter my coffee or stain my clothes unless I spill it on myself, (which has happened more than once) and I would be remiss in my responsibilities as a non-accredited journalist to blame Starbucks for my chronic clumsiness.

And here's another thing that bugs me. Why is it called Ruth's Chris Steak House?  I've never heard of a steak called Chris, though I once knew of a cow named Bernice. There is some kind of urban legend about a woman named Ruth who spent all her money buying a place called Chris Steak House and she couldn't afford to change the sign so she just slapped a "Ruth's" on top.  But I am not buying that because most steak houses are named after family last names like Smith & Wollensky's or Gallagher's or Morton's.  And those all have apostrophes to indicate they belong to said family.  So if the story were true it would have been Ruth's Chris's Steak House, which, besides being unattractive is really hard to say (especially if one lisps).

And while we are on the subject, most people call it Ruth Chris anyway, leaving out all ownership and possessive indicators entirely.  What is it with people and their consarned insistence to omit or insert random esses in place names?  If  a certain martini bar in Puerto Vallarta is called Garbo, for instance, why do people refer to it as Garbo's?  A guy named German owns it (which is funny since he's Mexican, although come to think of it I know a Mexican named Erica, which sounds kind of German or Norwegian or something.)  It's not like Greta Garbo opened the place and then sold it to German before she died.  If that were the case it would be perfectly acceptable to call it Garbo's, but probably more accurate to call it German's Garbo, which brings us back to the same random silliness as Ruth's Chris. (Yet I am much more likely to believe there was a martini called Greta than a steak called Chris.)

Oh yeah, happy hour was fun--everything on the "Ruth's at the Bar TM" is $8 including pomegranate martinis and a half-pound prime hamburger. I badly chose the steak sandwich, which was kind of tough and dry and consisted mostly of gristly butchered end pieces. Perhaps it needed butter.

Asian Con-Fusion

Work took me to Miami this week.  (Started off kind of rough:  I had to wake to a 3:30 AM alarm to catch a buttcrack of dawn flight, and our power went out inexplicably at 3:45.  It came back on about 5 but by then I had already showered and dressed by flashlight.  On my drive to the airport I prayed to the grooming gods that my socks matched.)

After working a full day I finally knocked it off about 7.  I changed into a tee shirt and shorts (it was about 90 degrees in South Florida and so humid it seemed like it was raining sweat.)  I wondered around the neighborhood looking to scare up some dinner (relatively safe--I was in Miami Lakes, a sort of stopped-in-time version of Pleasantville, with much less glamor and far fewer crazed drug lords than the real city of Miami 14 miles and 100's of murders south.)

First I ambled over to the Ale House but the $13.99 prime rib special made me suspicious of its provenance and the odor of rabid sports fans wearing the uniforms of their favorite player (I always wonder if they are "going steady") amped up on cheap beer and Thursday Night Football made me opt out.

A Purrfect Sense of Arrival

I walked by a place that didn't seem to have a name.  Instead, there were just giant signs on the exterior windows that screamed out all the delights one could find inside.

 HIBACHI!  SUSHI! SEAFOOD! TEMPURA!

I figured I could find something in there I would like and opened the door to be greeted by a humongous Hello Kitty. The hostess put down her cell phone (with just a soupçon of attitude, IMHO) and said something so heavily accented I just guessed she said "table for one?" and nodded my head vigorously, hoping she hadn't really asked me something embarrassing, like "alone and pitiful?"  She was wearing black tights and a short pleated skirt and a denim jacket and I noticed how shiny her hair was as it swung it back and forth in rhythm with her sashaying hips.  I was so mesmerized I almost didn't notice we were traversing a huge dining room that probably seated 300 people.  Sadly, I was one of maybe ten paying souls in the entire place.  The staff outnumbered us 5 to 1.

Another pretty Japanese girl smiled at me as she plunked down a large plastic tumbler of water with a white paper napkin wrapped around the base and handed me a white paper napkin and some chopsticks in a white paper sleeve.  She said something like "drink?" and I inquired "martini?" and she might have said "okay?" A couple of minutes elapsed and then she brought me hot sake in a white jug wrapped in a white paper napkin.  Apparently, white paper napkins are considered essential to the success of Hibachisushiseafoodtempura Restaurant.

I sat there, drinking sake and waiting for a menu.  With all the staff hanging around I thought it strange that no one was trying to get me to order something.  I flagged down my server and asked for a menu.  She was mute with incomprehension.  I mimed opening a menu and reading a list of entree selections, summoning the Stanislavsky method to appear as if I were  trying to decide between fish or pork, or possibly a stir fry with tofu.  Clearly my acting chops were spot on, as she suddenly brightened and waved her arm expansively towards the other side of the dining room, where I could see about a million food items on display. She nearly screamed some unfathomable word with such joy that I just gave "buffet" to her for enthusiasm. (I do want to point out here that my Japanese is far worse than their English, so it is with self-awareness of my own lingual shortcomings that I describe these conversations.)

Sushi-a-gogo

I don't like buffets.  There's no nuance, no crispness, no intangible balance or contrast of flavor and texture. Everything tastes the same, and it's all mushy.  But I was already there and slightly sakeed so I ventured forth and found 17,000 different species of sushi glistening in a ton of crushed ice spread on a table the size of a basketball court.  It occurred to me this could be my last meal ever, since it was possible the raw fish had been sitting there for days.  It passed the sniff test, however, so I loaded up my plate with a daunting number of selections and returned to my seat, hoping no one would notice what a pig I had made of myself.

It was delicious.  I had eel, and crab and salmon.  I devoured sea urchin, and tuna and shrimp.  I ate every fish that swam in the sea, and then I ate them all again. I had sashimi and dragon rolls and rainbow rolls and a bunch of stuff I didn't even recognize.  I was shameless.  It was ugly.

Same Taste, Different Shapes

At the time I should have been rolling out the door, I decided to go back and see what else was available.  There was a mile long display of desserts, which tempted me not, but I couldn't pass up the massive Chinese feast featuring spare ribs, spring rolls, fried rice, sesame chicken, spinach pie (huh?), noodles, lobster chowder, hot and sour soup, and crab rangoon, along with hundreds of other selections so vast and varied it made me dizzy.  I piled up another plate, went back to my party of one, and dug in. Yecch.  Buffet food.  Everything tasted the same and it was all mushy.  Having given up on language as a viable means of communicating, I just pantomimed signing my check, which she brought forthwith, and I signed out and we smiled at each other. (I was so shocked I had eaten my body weight in sushi for $17.99 that I tipped her $10.)

I hadn't planned on returning to Miami until much later this year but I think the raw bar at Hibachisushiseafoodtempura Restaurant will make me rethink those plans.  And possibly bring an interpreter.

I Do Declare, Ida Claire

"By the Wigs of Cher, Ida Claire"-Jef w/one f

Yesterday I ventured out of my comfort zone (within three miles of downtown) to meet a colleague for lunch at a place she'd suggested called Ida Claire.  It was sort of halfway from her workplace in Oklahoma Far North Dallas and my office, give or take a few hundred miles.  (I giggled like a school boy when I heard the name of the restaurant because as a child, I thought the expression was "Howdy Claire" instead of "I Declare" and my family never corrected me because they thought it was cute.  I also said "Cart Milkon" for "Milk Carton" and "Flutterbies" for "Butterflies." After some time cute became kind of dumb; thankfully my big brother clued me in.)

Ida Claire wasn't really on my radar so I took a peek at its website before venturing up and over and saw that it was Southern Food and had a lot of good reviews. So I'm thinking fried chicken, shrimp and grits, maybe some okra. Pecans, chow chow, sweet tea, you know the drill.

I'd miscalculated the time it would take me to get there and arrived about 30 minutes early so I had plenty of time to case the joint.  The servers posed as small town girls in gingham blouses and jeans sporting jaunty aprons and saucy Aunt Jemima checkered headgear.  The dining room was big and airy and filled with wooden tables stacked with homey Homer Laughlin share plates and cutlery rolled up in dish towels.  There was huge assortment of little tea plates nailed to the wall over the bar, but  there was a kind of eerie display next to where the chirpy hostess had seated me. There were perhaps twenty-five or thirty life-sized, wooden arms sticking out of the wall in precise rows holding different kitchen implements like wire whisks and spatulas in their creepy wooden hands.  I looked away quickly and found a cluster of empty, ornate bird cages hanging from the ceiling on the other side of the room to be a little more pleasant.

I don't think Faulkner wrote this

My server, whose name was either Lauren or Eula-Mae, asked me very nicely if she could bring me some sweet tea while I waited for my guest.  I said I'd prefer tap water and she had to blink back tears when she said she'd fetch me some. The menu looked like an old-fashioned book and had a tagline that said "As I Lay Eating" which made me laugh out loud. I glanced inside  and found Fried Chicken in a Biscuit with a Fried Egg, Pickled Okra and Chow Chow (surprise!), a Fried Chicken and Cucumber salad (huh?) and their apparently famous Ida Like A Burger that had Pimento Cheese, Lettuce and Tomato on a Sweet Potato Bun with Cast Iron Okra Salad (Okay, so I nailed it, sue me.)

The drinks book was a work of art.  It had imaginary love letters, faded post cards, a long and winding tale from a woman whose man had done her wrong, and fun drawings and maps and funky sayings.  I loved it so much I almost stole it.

My guest arrived and sat down breezily.  I noticed she kind of shuddered when she saw the lifeless utensil-holding arms and redirected her gaze to the cheerier birdcages,as I had.   She ordered the Fried Chicken and Cucumber Salad and I ordered the Knife and Fork Chicken Biscuit. We talked about the Texas State Fair, and work, and life, and then a grinning runner brought over our lunch.

Which came first?

That was the largest danged biscuit I ever did see!  It was cut in half and literally dwarfed the plate.  It was crammed with about 4 ounces of fried chicken breast, a roasted tomato, spinach, some peppery gravy and bedecked with a sunny side up fried egg.  My heart missed a beat and I wondered briefly if I'd taken my cholesterol pill that day.  Gamely, I dug in and it was absolutely pure-D Southern deliciousness. The mammoth biscuit was flaky and light and the chicken reminded me of my Aunt Mary's.  Friend had the weird fried chicken and cucumber salad which she enjoyed for about ten minutes until suddenly, she choked, turned red, and grabbed her water glass while tears ran down her cheeks.  I thought perhaps she had been besieged by a slight seizure but she managed to eke out the word "vinegar" in a raspy, struggling-to-breathe whisper.  I half-heartedly offered a tiny Heimlich maneuver, which she silently refused. Eula-Mae seemed a little skittish as she poured her glass after glass of water but managed to murmur comforting words in a sing song voice until my friend could breathe again.

Five minutes later it was like it had never happened.  Sometimes house-made vinaigrette separates and unfortunately she had swallowed a mouthful of vinegar. I yanked a whisk out of one of the mannequin hands and quickly restored her salad to edibility.  I was less than halfway done with my biscuit but had to stop for fear of splitting a seam in my trousers.  The dish was $12 and I think I left $7 worth on the plate even though it was really good.

If it was closer to home I'd go back often, at least on gym or cheat days.  I hear they have a wonderful brunch and a lively bar scene on their expansive back patio. I enjoy my southern heritage and the food (minus the vinegar mishap) was truly outstanding and clearly authentic.  Yes, I will definitely return some day for more of that grub.  And also to steal that book.

Cheddars R Us

I avoid chain restaurants like most people try to avoid catching a cold from some sniveling wretch on an airplane who uses their sleeve to stifle a sneeze.  This is not said in the same smug way a Vegan Atheist Crossfitter announces to anyone they've just met that they don't own a television.  Rather, there are so many chef-driven, inspirational dining destinations available that I don't want to waste caloric intake amongst formica and cryo-packed pre-portioned entrees concocted by a committee in some generic boardroom with menu abstracts, flip charts and white boards. (Wow, that did sound sort of smug, sorry.)  But we dined in a place called Cheddar's yesterday which apparently is part of a very popular highway diner conglomerate that aspires to make Cracker Barrel less relevant, which to me seems like somewhat of a low bar to clear.

It all started when I had the bright idea to waste a perfectly good Saturday making a trek to the hinterlands to explore the vast temple of unsold merchandise at the newly opened Nebraska Furniture Mart.  We rented a minivan, slapped on a couple of "Baby on Board" stickers, and packed a light lunch before venturing out to a far North suburb called The Colony.  (Basically, you have to drive from Dallas to Oklahoma and make a u-turn at the Red River and then take the first exit on your right.) The Nebraska Furniture Mart is so big that when you walk in, you can't see the whole store because it extends beyond the curvature of the Earth.  There is parking for about 1,000,000 cars I think, though upon reflection, that might be a slight exaggeration.  We opened the doors on 70 different refrigerators even though we don't need one and marveled at the impressive display of about 600 80-inch flat screen TVs.  We watched an Amish family caress the surface of at least 250 ceramic tile samples while nearby, a chubby little boy ate a waffle piled with whipped cream. Several heavily made up, older women were pushing around shopping carts with factory designed home accessories like pillows embroidered with "&" or "etc."  I kind of wanted to find an "M" like Mary Tyler Moore used to have in her apartment but we didn't see any.  And then suddenly, we were done.

Salad Daze

Next door to the shopping megaplex was a restaurant called Cheddar's.  I was dimly aware of them from past road trips and had a vague impression that they were like a Denny's or an IHOP but hired waitresses with more teeth.  Since all day  I had eaten just 6 crackers and some creamy pimento cheese, I implored D to stop in for some road trip fuel. (Admittedly, I was a little spacey from the long drive and the unfathomable displays of stuff that no one really needs. Plus, we were in the midst of a suburban adventure and I wanted to continue the excitement.)

Sandy, Mandy, and Brandy were three young, blonde hostesses who looked bewildered when I asked for a table for two.  It was 4:45 and the place was packed with huge, multi-generational families.  I think it was Brandy who brilliantly remembered there was a two-top by the server station adjacent to the emergency exit door.  We followed her through the enormous restaurant which was surprisingly sort of industrial chic and quite dimly lit.  Air Supply was lamenting a lost love on the Muzak system.  Our server invented the word "perky" and praised us lavishly on all of our menu choices. Her first name was one of those masculine sounding last names like Connor or Peyton so popular with the parents of millennials these days.

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

I ordered a delicious Bloody Mary (it was 5:01 by this point, don't be judgey) which boasted a lime wedge, skewered olives and an entire stalk of celery, so I considered it my salad course.  I really liked it and if I hadn't had an hour of driving home in front of me would have had another.  D ordered the New Orleans Pasta--Penne, Chicken, Shrimp, Sausage, and Creole Alfredo sauce with a thick slab of Texas Toast.  Connor high-fived  him and said it was her favorite item on the menu.  I ordered the half rack of Baby Back Ribs and the house-made Chicken Tenders, which came with a Loaded Baked Potato and freshly steamed Broccoli.  Peyton nearly swooned with my impressive menuography skills.

Guess what?  Both dishes were super tasty and fresh (though portioned for a family of twelve.)  Feeling virtuous, I ate all the broccoli, a fourth of

Hunka Hunka Burnin' Love

the potato, all three chicken tenders (as good as any I've ever had) and three of the ribs, which were spicy and tender and juicy and fell off the bone when I picked them up.  I made a little sculpture out of the white, meatless bones that looked like a scary pagan totem, which the bus person rudely swept into a tub, oblivious to the inherent artistry of my creation.

Peyton-Connor brought our check which was some ridiculous amount like $32.  I tipped her a generous $7 based on her smile and sheer exuberance in bringing to-go containers for all of our uneaten food, which would be enough for the next fortnight of dinners if we hadn't forgotten to take them out of the car when we got home on a scorching 99 degree day.

Based on this unexpectedly savory experience, I am reconsidering my stance on chain restaurants and shall never again pronounce them pedestrian and banal.  I encourage everyone to motor outside their comfort zone and indulge their unacknowledged yearning for highway food. Go to Joe's Crab Shack if you wish.  Rediscover your devotion to Red Lobster.  Heck, why not give Olive Garden a chance? The CEO's of these gigantic chains need your dough more than some ragtag, foraging, seasonally inspired chef driven kitchen does.  Plus, it's important that we retain our status as the most obese country in the world.

What's The Buzz?

The fourth incarnation of BuzzBrews, a local Dallas institution, opened up this week right in our neighborhood--in fact, just a block down at the end of the street.  I've been to a couple of the other BuzzBrews before, and appreciated their hippy dippy vibe, zealous coffee program, and healthier approach to diner fare.  They are open 24 hours and have a breakfasty inclination around the clock, though they do feature sandwiches and some entrees. It also has a full bar, which is kind of contrary to its egg white omelet DNA, but whatever. It's the kind of hipster dive that develops a cult following comprised of unpublished poets, Duck Dynasty enthusiasts, and at three in the morning, stumbling club kids hanging by glamorous drag queens with runs in their nylons.

Our neighbor had told us it had opened last week while we were out of town so we strolled over last Saturday for lunch to check it out.  Turns out neighbor was wrong, but the very earnest Manager (appropriately named Ernest) invited us to look around at all the changes they'd made. (This cat has already had several lives--it's been two different Irish pubs and and a southern comfort food establishment since we've lived in the hood.)  They kept a lot of the beautiful old millwork that looks like it came straight out of a western saloon (speaking of cats, Hellloo Miss Kitty!) but they rearranged it into different configurations.  There's an open stainless kitchen and a lot of white tile and vivid, pretty artwork and very sturdy tables (presumably so the overnight drinking crowd won't overturn them.)  We thanked Ernest for his hospitality, said we were neighbors, and vowed to come back.

Tipperary Inn/Mecca/BuzzBrews

So we walk in last night around 7:30 and were greeted by a millennial version of a flower child from the 60's.  She gave us a vague smile and a languid invitation to follow her as she led us to the back of the big room.  We noticed the place was jam-packed with families with hordes of small screaming children. This was surprising given the numerous references to "getting your buzz on," the full bar, and the overall "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" ambience of the place.

Our waiter's name was Paul and he looked like he could play someone's dad on TV, like a Ward Cleaver minus the necktie and sage advice for the Beav.  He had glasses on a string around his neck, baggy shorts and white socks with tennis shoes.  He was kind.  I said I thought we had been given the breakfast menu by mistake and we were looking for dinner.  He said "let me check" and then came back and said "dinner is from 3 to 7." Apparently we are hideous at poker, because the flat out confused looks on our faces prompted him to go ask someone else, and when he returned, he said "we will be serving dinner soon but right now we just have the 24 hour menu.   Well all righty then.

We ordered a vodka seven with lemon and a martini straight up with a twist.  Paul wrote every word down on a notepad with the stub of a number two pencil.  Moments later a friendly bearded fellow brought over a vodka seven no fruit and a martini with olives.  He happily replaced them after we gently pointed out both orders were wrong.

Th-th-th-that's all, folks!

The menu is written in code but there is a deciphering page to help you navigate it.  "Marbles" are garlic soaked roasted potato pieces, and "Hangover Cure" is chicken soup that will make you sweat.  D had the Porked Pig--a spinach and pulled pork quesadilla with mushrooms and cheese in a wheat tortilla served with "marbles" and pico.  Although it was listed as an appetizer, it was served on a dinner plate and was plenty of food.  I sort of whispered my order because it seem rather undignified for a man of my age to say "I'll have the Hippie Miss Piggie Crepes, please." They were good with 10 spice-rubbed pork butt stuffed with egg whites, onions, jalapeños, tomato, cilantro, and cheddar cheese in corn tortillas. They were topped with fresh avocado slices and served alongside BuzzBrews Killer Black Beans, which I think they should have called BBKBB, but they didn't ask.  As I was eating a waitress who looked a lot like Marilyn Monroe in black stretch pants sauntered by and started talking to the expediter, who had a large colorful tattoo on his neck. Another server was wearing a Pam Grier style sparkly baseball cap.

About the time we were finished Ernest came 'round and asked how we were doing, and we reminded him we'd met him the weekend before.  Either he remembered us or he did a believable job of pretending he did.  He filled us in on upcoming expanded services (like a real dinner menu) and seemed genuinely excited about the new location.  I mentioned we had been surprised by all the families and he was like, I know, right? with a conspiratorial wink. Then Paul brought us our receipt and gave us both BuzzBrews logoed ball point pens which we shall treasure for years to come.

BuzzBrews is a somewhat confusing if refreshing change from Dallas' flashy, trendy dining scene. I think we'll give it a couple of weeks to work the kinks out, and maybe go back there one night with our dear friends Linda Richman and Princessa Quesadilla.

Is There a Cure for Remedy?

Is There a Cure for Remedy?

Last weekend we went to Remedy, a newish eatery in the sizzling hot new restaurant destination called Lower Greenville. In the last couple of years it seems like another dining option pops up out of nowhere like a pesky stray eyebrow hair every week or so.  In Lower Greenville there are more valet stands than cars and it takes about 2 hours to inch along one block.  Okay, I'm exaggerating, maybe an hour and a half, tops.

I have to say when I first walked in I thought "I don't really get this place."  It's long and narrow with really high ceilings festooned with some elegant, ballroom-type chandeliers. There are leather couches and wooden tables and a retro lunch counter you can sit at like at  a pharmacy that sells milkshakes and fried bologna sandwiches.  It was like three designers worked on it who were no longer on speaking terms.  Ah well, everyone's a decorator, what do I know?

The hostess chirped a cheery hello and led us into the densely packed, high decibel interior.  I guess because we are such manly men she showed us to a sturdy wooden table instead of one of the slinky couches or the lunch counter.

Howdy Christopher!

Our server was so awesome I am going to post his picture and tell you his name is Christopher.  He is going to be the richest server at Remedy because my legion of readers are going to flock there and insist that only Christopher is worthy of them.  He shall knock every other server to the curb.  He shall rule Lower Greenville.  He shall be knighted by the Queen of England.  He shall become Immortal.

After ascertaining that it was our first time there and fortifying us with liquid refreshments he asked us if we needed help navigating the menu.  I said sure, and he recommended the Deviled Green Eggs and Ham and the Jalapeno-Chive Hush Puppies for appetizers.  Sold! Then he pointed out his favorite menu item, which was a house-made FRIED BOLOGNA SANDWICH! (Am I clairvoyant or something?  I knew it reminded me of Woolworth's!)) Apparently, we looked somewhat apathetic about that option so he thoughtfully suggested the Nashville Hot Duck and the Texas Shrimp and Grits.  Those sounded tasty so we followed his lead.

Will You Marry Me?

The hush puppies were so crispy and light they started floating out of the little basket that contained them. Luckily, I had a collapsible butterfly net in my pocket and fetched them from midair.  I fashioned a tiny wedding veil out of a paper beverage napkin and placed it on the plumpest one and asked for its hand in marriage.  Having no hands and therefore unable to accept my proposal, I had no choice but to just bite it in half and swallow it.

The Eggs were Deviled with Green Goddess dressing, fresh chervil, tarragon, avocado and garlic. There were five to an order so I pretended to knock one onto the floor but secretly hid it in my lap until nature called D away momentarily and I popped the whole thing in my mouth.

One Is In My Lap

So far, so great.  Then the entrees came, and although the shrimp proved swoon worthy (how could they not with bacon cheddar grits, smoked shrimp butter and marinated baby tomatoes?) the duck was so tough I couldn't slice it with a steak knife.  Then I stuck my fork on top of it and tried pounding it into the top but it bent the tines sideways.  Captain Awesome Christopher swung by and noticed my plight.  Making a tsking sound and frowning with concern, he said "hmmm, that doesn't look right --how about a pork chop?"  I readily surrendered my duck concrete confit and in just a few minutes, a good sized pork chop braised in brown sugar cider arrived on top of jalapeno sweet potato hash, mustard greens with roasted peanuts and a hot sauce vinaigrette.  Oh, and a big fried onion ring on top.

Frankly, I found the whole dish bewildering.  It was like the chef had closed her eyes and randomly pointed out different ingredients listed in the The Chefs Companion and bade her minions to create something unique.  They succeeded in that it was one of a kind but it tasted like the dog's breakfast to me and the eye appeal was rather appalling.  I felt bad for Christopher so I sliced up most of the pork and hid it in my shoe and scraped the rest of the mess into an empty water glass on the recently vacated table next to ours.

Koo Koo for Coconuts

D loved his coconut cream pie and Mr. C comped my martini, so all in all, it was a pleasant night despite the wretched entrees I endured.  I am pretty sure we'll be back.  Maybe we will sit at the lunch counter and eat fried bologna sandwiches and scarf down hand-dipped chocolate milk shakes. I am pretty sure that will cure any misgivings I have about Remedy.